member when i got drunk and wrote this last year? it's funny how a year can change things.

Please Act Your Age and Not Your Height. Sept. 11 2009

The best little bookstore in the Bright Lights is lined wall to wall with great works. Come one, come all. Unlocked at 10AM, the door is propped open until one in the morning. Floor to ceiling, used and resold, given as gifts, then either read and enjoyed or unread and ignored. The staff, usually two girls and one guy, sometimes one girl and two guys are friendly enough, even when their comments concerning my latest purchase lean towards dismissal of taste. New-to-you hard and softcovers come in constantly. It is this reason I cross the threshold two times a week. The brunette who bags the books, the one with the boxy figure and standard issue army frames, knows my face and my fondness for Faulkner well. She doesn’t even make me check my Jansport anymore.

The new arrivals cart, promising hours of diversion, is a straight shot from the storefront door and just beyond the elevated counter where the staff likes to perch.

Insert random vulture image here please. Preferably one portraying a condescending expression.

Besides the four shelf area housing local authors, it is the only section my dirty fingers consistently claw through. Along with books, two guarantees are rolled out daily on the four wheeled wonder.

First, there will be at least two copies of The Secret, accompanied by various other titles from the big O’s book club, which is fortunate or unfortunate depending on the eager beaver patron. I mean, even I have read the delightful one about the deceitful addict. You know, the one who lied and then got cussed out by God on her mid-morning syndicated talk show.

Second and most important, plastered across the northern side (or southern for that matter, depending on which end leads) is a large, white sticker. Roughly measuring three by ten inches, it reads in bold black lettering, “remember what you wanted to be growing up.”

My eyes never fail to fall upon the sticker and I read it every time. Like the green ring indicating the water line in my toilet or the wretched herpes simplex virus, it’s always there. Despite the amount of salve you use. The constant, the steadfast, the loyal. The phrase never fails to raise my arm and neck hair. Goosebumps. R.L. Stine, you got me again you son of a gun.

I recognize the banality of the order. Terribly cliche I must admit. Really, it’s the cherry on the sundae full of shit. I am absolutely positive the sticker was one of many found in the bottom of an oversized tote bag that was happily handed out during the exit of a three hour self-help seminar, complete with a silk screened profile of Tony Robbins adorning the side. Then afterwards in the parking lot, a pastel cardigan recently unbuttoned with unbridled confidence and unlimited power, most certainly had his knees planted in the pavement ready to smother the hell out of his aging Toyota Corolla’s fender with said sticker. Abruptly, a powerful and fantastic gust of wind came along. Courtesy of Alan Silvestri, the wind probably plucked the sticker swiftly out of pastel cardigan’s grasp. Sorry Bob, it wasn’t carrying answers, just a bunch of plain, unfussy white feathers conducting many first rate loopty loops.

Following the long or short flight, I’m quite certain “remember what you wanted to be growing up” landed at the Converse donned feet of the brunette with the boxy figure who bags the books in the best little bookstore in the Bright Lights. Who then like me, disregarded it’s origins of pressed curds and actually took it to heart. Plastering it on the new arrivals cart for me to eye up twice a week.

Here lies the short list. Presented and ranked as my body grew in height and my age in numbers.

1. animator for Disney (now a defunct position, yes?)
2. right fielder for the Chicago Cubs, then as I moved north, the Milwaukee Brewers.
3. cartoonist for Northwest Herald (I had no idea what syndication was).
4. special agent for the CIA.
5. special agent for the FBI (sadly, my father’s footsteps never quite fit my sole or soul)
6. leader of a successful punk band.
7. leader of a successful ska band.
8. rock’n roller.
9. folksinger, humdinger, dead ringer.
10. lawyer.*
11. travel writer.
12. writer.
13. lawyer.*

I grew to look rather funny in a baseball cap and my artistic ability was limited. “Here Mom, I traced this for you. What? Garfield? No, its Mickey, you can tell by the nose. I don’t know. I’m not quite sure why I colored him orange.” I attended college between numbers four and five. My brother died during the latter and I dropped out of school. Flipped to number six and I grew angry, then full of good spirits. Blacked out. Got somewhat sober. Re-enrolled at number nine and graduated prior to ten. Got a backpack and travelled the world extensively for a few years before hitting twelve. Sat on this for awhile. Needless to say, incidents occur from time to time.

“Son? I dropped my fork. Fetch me a new one.”
“What did you say your name was?”
“I know you listed the specials twice, but I was too busy ignoring you to listen. Could you be a dear and repeat them?”
“Really, how hard is your job?”
A bloated man’s greasy fingers pronounce ‘snap’

various responses, not specifically in response to requests listed above.

“My apologies for the wait.”
“Yes sir, right away sir. Of course I will wipe your mouth for you. You’re right, the New York is full of gristle. Just let me know when you need to use the restroom and I’ll wipe that for you as well.”
“I must have misspoken the three times I confirmed your pinot noir ma’am. I should have known you really wanted grigio when you said pinot, my mistake.”
“What are my career plans? Oh right, because I’m the waiter and you’re in a position to judge me. Well you’re looking at it. Twenty-four and just like TI, I’m sitting on top of the world.“
“No, I went to college.”
“Yeah, two degrees.”

I didn’t plan this. It wasn’t on my wish list. Years ago I wasn’t in Farley’s lunch lady land sliding my tray, periodically lifting it up and down and over the sneeze guard for a sloppy joe fixing or a ladle full of not-quite mashed potatoes, only to turn to my buddy and proclaim, “This is it Jay. This is what I want to be! Well, not this specifically, no offense Lorianne, I just wont look good in a hair net. But I do want to serve shitty food to ungrateful customers. I want to be a waiter. Give me a pen and paper and give me your order. I gotsta start practicing!”

So with some reluctance I turned the page to lucky number thirteen. Although, much to Barry Bond’s annoyance, some things deserve asterisks.

I could get into good law schools because I had good grades. The LSAT, though taken twice, proved to be very manageable. When I talked about future plans my parents seemed proud. When they talked about their son’s future plans they were proud. Although strenuous, three more years of schooling would be nice. I love academia. Some financial security would also be welcomed. Dental and health? Yes and yes. My family’s now defunct yearly newsletter, could be revived with the headline reading, ‘Young Fuck Up Done Good.’ Like a white Judge Mathis. Unfortunately I love the law, but I’m not in love with the law.

Years ago, before the great flood of tears, my entire family had gathered for Christmas dinner. The majority of the glazed ham was finished and the dishes were being cleared. Some pie was being picked at and my brother, age 16, was being questioned by my aunt.
‘So, do you plan on going to college?’
‘Probably not. Haven’t really given it much thought though.’ His head was down and focused on the imprints his fork made on his melting ice cream. He liked his a la mode.
‘Well, if you aren’t planning on going, what do you plan on doing after you graduate?’
‘Im not sure. Probably something creative, music maybe.’ He set down his fork and looked up. ‘I’ll figure it out. I couldn’t care less what I do, just as long as I’m happy.’ He smiled a big toothy grin and leaned back, placing his hands behind his head. Satisfied, my aunt responded with her own and concentrated on cleaning the rest of her plate. He died ten days later.

The sticker reads, ‘remember what you wanted to be growing up.’ Did I ever truly want to be a lawyer? Probably not. If I did, I’d be finishing up my first year as I write this. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe I’ll end up going after all. But I’ll figure something out in the mean time and it’ll be fine just as long as I’m happy.

14. bum.

Tribulations of the Young (Man) & Restless or SHOW REVIEW: Young Man / YAWN 10.12.10

Four or seven HD cameras strategically placed throughout the room. Near the ceiling, near the floor. On dollies (maybe), on cranes (most definitely). Probably a couple of Columbia AV nerds pitching a tent, finally getting the chance to flex an overpriced tuition. And for what? To image capture the hasty house that buzz built.

Unfortunate for Young Man, the fitting moniker of popular YouTube indie-imitator Colin Caulfield, that house is made of cardboard. Not even the high-grade, sturdy shit either. And at least in this writer’s eyes, whatever structural solid once promised by online murmurs has sadly already begun its break down. Swinging and a swaying, weakened by reality. Like if reality was Calvin (minus Hobbes) and Young Man was the Chevy symbol the mischievous cartoon kid was eagerly pissing on.

See, for the past week my inbox has been getting vigorously fisted by various PR e-blasts informing me about Young Man’s record release. A good amount of press blurbs, cut and positively edited down, accompanied by a list of CMJ showcases. That, along with a few reminders urging me to attend Young Man’s forthcoming Boy EPrelease show at Chicago’s Schubas Tavern.

Well that show was Tuesday night. And I went. Not reluctantly either. A yellow sticky with ‘Schubas, October 12th’ had been on my desk for a minute. It was all about two birds, one stone; gauge Young Man’s previously untested product while catching a set byYAWN, the stellar Chicago outfit with a soft spot for tom toms and pop-laden tribal beats.

And I did my damnedest to keep my subjective-thong from riding high. I really did. Other than a few, admittedly high-quality clips I ran through of Caulfield (the most notable being a stellar cover of Deerhunter’s “Rainwater Cassette Exchange”), I kept a blank slate going in. Never streamed an original, never downloaded a track. I wanted Young Man’s performance to explain what all the fuss was about. Proof in the public pudding and all that crap.

So how was Young Man’s show? Well, it only took one song. One lousy, jerk of a song. Just a single damn number for thoughts to gather and opinion to form. It was a real doozy of an opener too. Not bad, but not good either. Just nothing to cream your pants about. Which is what I expect from groups and their assembled buzz. Out of the bedroom and up on stage, Caulfield’s got the ever-so timid singer/songwriter schtick down pat. Right down to the bashful bangs obstructing his shaky eye contact with the crowd. The reluctant performer, brushing hard up against the hesitant-to-speak nickel and dime act. It was a shit-ton of “gee-golly” and “ah, shucks” bookmarked by a dozen or so mild, reverb-soaked cuts.

Upon first contact, bands-of-the-moment should grab hold and give listener’s bones/boners a quick shake. Even if it’s just for a tiny buzz-band pinch and tickle, their sole job is to impress. That’s it. Solidify the forever shaky pedestal of hype before it’s inevitably bum rushed by the next P4K eager beaver. Because people have short attention spans. The internet? Even shorter. And positioned at Schubas, amongst the somewhat timid Tuesday night crowd, surrounded by a slew of video-capable DLSRs, the room swimming with undecided atmosphere (aided by the venues’ bulky candles burning bright), Young Man was just plain boring. Boring like a Nicole Kidman movie. Or boring like waiting for your girlfriend’s period to pass. Sure there’s 8th-grade shit to keep ya busy, but nothing’s as fun the real deal.

Before I withdrew from Young Man both mentally and musically, I listened to a few more competent minutes. Then exited the room and bellied up to the long bar located in Schubas’ front-house. Drank two IPAs and watched the Rangers toss the final shovel of AL dirt on the Rays’ hopes of snagging a pennant.

The easiest place to point the stink finger is at Young Man himself (Caulfield is the one performing after all), but fault or blame can just as easily be placed on the industry, the public, whatever you want to call it. In rushed attempts to capitalize on unrefined talent, a kid and his guitar are swiftly scooped up and forked over to wolves disguised as writers. And of course bedroom dream-pop kid Caulfield is more than willing, he’s the one who sat in front of his Macbook and played in the first place. Ready or otherwise, who wouldn’t get on their knees if Frenchkiss (the label in charge of Young Man’s debut) came a calling?

In the end, I arrived as a junkie looking to score a needle full of choice smack. But instead of buzz-band bliss, I got the classic bait ‘n switch. A quick hit of not-quite-street-ready junk passed off as high quality, Grade-A skag. Young Man needs to head back to the bedroom. Forget the cameras, forget the industry’s well-versed rimjob. Grow a bit more. You only get one first impression and unfortunately, Caulfield’s came with a bit of hype.

As for openers YAWN, the quartet of psychedelic wunderkids that generate some of the best tribal-pop around these days, well, they “effin killed it” per usual.

CAFE DISCO

After the rain stops, the wind picks up. Forest brush, normally blocked by the towering old men of valley, gets up to stretch. I hear it hitting my tent, but I'm still fucked up from the night before. I can't really remember how many pills I took, the liquor I drank, the story I told (the dirty one with the dog that's not really true or the clean 7-liner that involves a can of Coke and basketful of soft-smelling laundry). It hurts to recall. Like a screwdriver digging into my left temple. The shit is making it difficult to recall how many tongues I had in my mouth last night or the number of times I took a piss (and the fact that I have a full bladder right now only adds emphasis). What was that blue pill again? Sheena, who I should say isn't a punk rocker and really is quite bland, dropped it into my palm after I complained about monotony. She said it's left over from her trip to Brussels and that if I wanted to shake things up, I'd swallow it. I remember thinking how fucked up it was. This bitch, the girl with the oily brown hair (and not oily in the dirty sexy kind of way, but more so in the library bitch that doesn't realize social norms, (and my God and for christ's sake, dye your hair. it should be, no, it HAS to be black if you want any sort of sexual recognition!) is giving me recreation advice by-way-of narcotics. The blind is giving me directions based upon visual landmarks. Got to be goddamn kidding me. Either way like an idiot, I geared up enough saliva, just enough to halt any gag reflexes, and took the goddamn blue pull. I think it had a happy face imprinted on it's rounded side. but as it approached my gaping face hole, it looked like a frown. Think I had it upside down.

Dude had a Jew-fro. Not sure about his religion, but if i ever saw a jew-fro, he was sportin it. Tight and curly with ray-bans inside. Inside? Yes, indeed, it was 2 in the afternoon. Big hair, shades indoors, and a tight purple, maybe pink, tank top. Oh and some sort of jangly metal contraption that hung loose and low on a chain around his neck. Like near his belly button. Just chilling above his belt (actually, where his belt would have gone if he was wearing one). He talked fast and loved the sound his own mouth made. Voice like annoyance. If annoyance talked, it’d be this necklace wearing jew-fro bro. Cutting clear through the stuffed up air. Cut straight through and hit me. Every fucking word he said. Who did this guy think he was? I met him, I met her. Dude had lunch with Kanye. Or maybe he just saw him perform at an intimate, but formal mind you, late night jam session. John Legend apparently accompanied yeezy. Name drop, name drop, John Legend on piano, Kanye on the mic. Mother fucker with da curly hair wearing shades, just bragging. All day everyday. My new nemesis.

new post new post new post. 4 drinks in, I watched the television radio all night. Blurred vision and the warnings of a headache. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. This life is far from perfect. chalk problems up to money and women and lack of both or lack of stability or overdose of each. Different times of course. So many shitty bands cross my curvy path all day. So many. Like you can take a lot, then add a lot more. That's how many. And every goddamn one of them still habitats myspace. that and asians. there are so many on myspace. im not writing for my own purpose. shit overlaps shit i suppose.

Rooftop viewing, a belly filled with a holiday’s offerings. The poor and the rich, the pure and the stained. Crackling, popping, fire and noise. As dusk flips over, shit gets crazy this time of year. Kaleidoscope nights. Burnt rainbow heights. Every 4th I’m reminded why I get a hard on for Chicago.

When the lady asked my name, i was hesitant to respond. Eyes that lead every question made me so. With music playing loud, the macbook shook with enthusiasm. Steven, i said. My name is steven. You can call me Adam. WTF? her look read. WTF? her body said. One swift kick to the shin left will leave a bruise, but one swift kick to the chin will make bone break. Or turn black. Bone black you freak. Then wired shut, then maybe stupid fucking questions will never be posed. Outside the walls, just on the other side of the door, whispers and laughs run galore. Hang my body, tie the noose, let my problems give to the floor. I can rhyme Drake and I'll never thank you later. Not even now. Everyone knows you're the crippled kid from degrassi. Doctor you up, thug you up. Never going to change. you're always gonna be two-wheeled jim jim.

In my dreams I'm a paraplegic video vixen.

DJ NAME: PARAPLEGIC VIDEO VIXEN or DEPENDS ON MENS

Today i stamped out a baby bird like the last dying ember of a lit cigarette.

woke up by older sister. call came just before midnight. silenced the ring, a text followed. call me, asap it read. she answered after one ring. 'came home to find dad' her voice was heavy. 'on his back and lucky to be alive.' wtfg. how 'bout you kill off another family member. got to be fucking kidding me.

I molested a dinosaur today. He was reluctant, but I was firm. Both in body and mind. Have you ever fucked a brontosaurus? He says no, but he really means yes. Flipping him over, he wanted dinner first. Where are the flowers he roared. I need some damn roses. Shut the fuck up, I responded before I duct taped his mouth shut. So proud of all the things i have done.

itching.

need to start something relevant. like something that will find a place in the spectrum of all things important. maybe a new blog. one with cute dogs dressed up as hip kids. perhaps kittens in deep v's. who knows. maybe i'll write a song that people will hum. just really want to write a song that people will hum with lots of keys and air horns. just have to create something that people will enjoy. got to convince people the shit i write is something. like I really need to step it up. if i start a relevant blog, i can be snarky and then i'll get a book deal. definitely need to be jaded. then with my book deal i'll convince authentic bookstores to sell my book based on my blog about cats in deep v's. just need to start something relevant. maybe something offensive. we'll see, work in progress.

I listen to shitty bands everyday. Especially those I plan on seeing at sxsw this year. it will be my second spring in austin experiencing this festival. this week I am going with the company i work for. Shitty bands and good bands. it should be a grand time. find more info at www.austincarniville.com. the full lineup will be there along with additional info. Second year? how fun. How fun. I miss my dog.

blurt things out.

I won a board game tonight. I called out so many correct answers. more than the rest. I ate a chicken stir fry tonight. I called out so many dead birds. Called them out for all their negative traits. Too much soy sauce, not enough salt! The rice is too dry. But wait, I'll just add water and make them less so. Yeasayer isn't half bad. I listen to too many shitty vampire weekend remixes at work. The girls don't come calling like they used to. And the ones I want don't. Or at least not as often as I'd like. A girl leaves late at night to get fucked by a dick. Not the body part. Well yes, the body part, but also the man himself. The dog shows unlimited love. The dog shows unlimited love for Iams and his water dish. Merv loves to hide under things. I need to move out. But I want to stay. I want to stay because I think it will be easier than moving. I want to stay because I want to believe people are good and if you do good things then good things will happen to you. But people will only take things from you. The five dollars you left in change or the half loaf of 12 grain you placed on the counter. Two sodas in the fridge? A 2 liter is no such replacement. They'll take a year of your life and leave you nothing but downtrodden and stuck in a lease. Walgreens sleep aid just doesn't do the trick these days. Add four whiskey on the rocks. The effects tend to wear off around 4Am. Thats when you hear the roommates get home. Or the slut that lives upstairs. Thats when you think the clearest. When the clock seems to move slower. When the clock slowly crawls forward. I still got 3 hours left. Thats when Merv starts barking. When I mistake his barks for something meaningful. He only hears of the slut who lives above climbing the stairs. But that is okay. It's quite alright to start a sentence off with but. That's the best part about creative writing. You get to do whatever the fuck you want. Make shit up. And start sentences with and. And then use too many commas. Like my writer friend with the curly hair. That kid has uses so many goddamn commas. His sentences run like fucked up tights. But it is okay. It's creative writing you bastard. It's sleazy shit. It's skeazy shit. It's drunk at 2 in the AM shit and it's okay if your mother reads your blog. You gave her the URL. Mom, don't worry. I'm just going on and on and on and on. 'But son, this is on the internet, anyone can see it!' But I'm a writer mom, people will understand. A writer? You can't just classify yourself as a writer Adam." Thanks public. This is rambling but I actually get paid to write now. What does that make you, special? No! It just makes me a sham that is really good at covering up every shit he decides to take. Please understand, it is not the short hair that gets me. It is the idea that you went back to him. The fag with the puffy cheeks and slouch neck tshirt. gasp! A slur has slipped. Every tongue deserves the cover of passion. The heat of the moment. I will and I can say whatever I want. Of course, be aware I do not mean it. Not at all. I love my men who love men. Like Kanye though, no homo. I love this depression I have seemed to become so fond of.

Knives and their Ability to Cut

Allow three days to heal before you attempt to reopen wounds. Let the blood bleed out and harden. Keep the scab visible and out in the open. If the cut happens to be located in an area that makes one blush, please by all means, adorn oneself with regular garb. Scissors or a box cutter will do. Remove an inch of cloth or two inches if need be. Just maintain innocence and keep the wound in sight. If kept hidden, the wound runs the risk of being forgotten and this will do irreversible damage. If the wound happens to be worse than the wounds prior, allow six to eight days to heal before you attempt to reopen. This will allow for maximum dramatic effect. Associates and acquaintances will view this wound and ask what happened. Assuming of course you have associates and acquaintances to share in your discomfort. If you do not, take an adequate number of photographs. I would advise against a cellphone camera, as the detail will not be as detailed as it could be. Print out copies, generally the size recommended is 8x11. Tell everyone you meet, strangers or customers (depending on your place of employment) what happened and who did this to you or how you did this to yourself. Negligence on whose end? Inform the person. Details are appreciated.

If a wound occurs on a spot previously known for wounds to occur, please without hesitation, move across the room. Stay away from the object that inflicted this wound. A distance of at least ten feet must be maintained at all times. I cannot or I will not stress this enough. Steel sharpens steel or something like that. This is an utter lie. The lie will be spoken from the object. They will say with complete confidence that their blade isn’t as sharp as it was before. Again, an utter lie. The blade will cut deep, if not deeper than you remember. The knife disregards your skin’s ability to be lacerated. Stay away from knives my friend. You do not need them. You do not need any of them. If a distance of at least ten feet cannot be maintained, you are damned. Relocate to another apartment.

this just made your day/week. youre welcome.

Birthday cake for me?

Really you shouldn't have adam. Please enjoy said adam. Again really you shouldn't have. But it is my pleasure. Oh, in that case. eat up. eat it all up. mmhmmm peanut butter frosting for the birthday boy!

I had the opportunity to make myself a free meal last night. Thanks to the lovely Christine, my great mother from the north, I was provided with the various components. Beef stew reminds me of my childhood. It's good. It's stick to the ribs good. Jennifer categorized it as 'so wisconsin.' I haven't made it since my sophomore year at UWM. I look forward to opening the fridge in the morning and viewing the leftovers. Because you know there's going to be a good inch of solidified lard resting on top. Beautiful.

i still have the scar.

Last time I was in Europe. I didn't think it was taped. At least now I have evidence.

Of course there will be tennis. And apparently RZA is from the matrix. This CD isn't impressing me.

You no longer sleep next to me. Same bed yes, but not next to me. There’s a void. Every night I sleep with a void. I spoon with an empty space. It’s a king sized bed and it demands my complete attention. The space fucking kills me. It’s wide and expansive. Very trench like. Cold and deep and desolate. Better men have perished in this void. It kills me, it really does. The quilt I keep at the headboard does nothing . It’s handmade with a drunkard’s path pattern. I stole it from my dead brother. This void will be the end of me.

merv shows me no love.

Brittany Murphy committed suicide or maybe she overdosed or perhaps it was malnourishment. Did you hear? Lee McQueen hung himself. Couldn't take the criticism. Or at least thats what the papers said. The papers, the fucking papers. When people talk about sex, naturally i lean towards violence. Violent men make interesting friends and terrible lovers. Violent lovers, thats what my friend says at least. She had a bruise for an eye and a mouth that got her in trouble. Good body though. I told her the physical beatings did her good. Gave her character. I told her she needs to wear that black and blue around more often. The color suits you i told her. She told me to choke myself when I masturbate. Its been years I said, but I'll give it a try next time. I lied either on the first or last statement. I find that privacy is a thing of the past, but one that shouldn't be forgotten. Its a hell of a thing.

walk to the office

saw an old man building three very fine snowmen.

saw an old man struggling with a walker through the snow.

I want to grow old but in a way where I don't struggle with a walker.

I want to grow old but not get old.

coffee bitches

If I drink coffee twice a day I feel like I have done something worthwhile. Cream and sugar, even though I don't like the sweet. Allow the day to start, let the sun rise. I brew a pot prior to my shower. Feed the dog then wash away the sins I accumulated throughout the night. Drugs and dirty girls. Then, honey toast and Folgers. A large cup is preferred even though I hesitate to drink it's entirety. I hesitate to drink it's entirety because my bladder is tiny and ornery. The smallest liquid will set it off. It becomes combative. It understands why Im reluctant when consuming my morning cup of coffee.

Every few days I'll grab my usual at Dunkin. This is in addition to the one I drink at home. I pay for the medium and give the girl dirty looks. She hates me and I hate that she hates me. I compliment her braids and she spits in my face. I am secretly in love with her. Not really though. Or Im secretly in love only on the days she chews wrigley. Spearmint drips from my cheek.

If I consume enough coffee I begin to hate the way it tastes. I am a creature of comfort and habit and pleasure. I dislike the way New Wave coffee feels, the flavor that is recognized, the way it embraces my tongue like a hot towel full of dog shit. I like the idea of New Wave, but I have never finished one full cup of their motor oil.

I've taken a giant leap in personal accomplishments this week. I will pat myself on the back, please do not get up. As happy as I should be, Im still utterly depressed. Rent was paid and I now have 2 dollars in my account. Celebrate? Celebrate what?

'Wow. Adam please settle down.'

'Settle down? But you have no idea.'

'Yes I do. Trials and tribulations happen to everyone.'

'But what about poor choices?'

'Yes, those too. Bad decisions and poor choices are part of life. Thats how you learn.'

'Okay. Well what happens if I know Im right, but people don't agree with me.'

'You're not always right.'

'What about when I know I'm right and people are just being thick?'

'But you're not always right.'

'Listen to me. What happens when I KNOW IM RIGHT?'

'Why are you being difficult? You might think you're right, but you aren't. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and perhaps they think they're right too. Get it?'

'No.'

'Well what don't you get?'

'Forget it.'

'So you're just going to mope around?'

'Maybe.'

'Thats childish.'

'I don't give a fuck if it's childish.'

'You're just trying to get people to feel sorry for you.'

'so...'

'So thats childish. Quit being a brat.'

'Fuck you.'

'There you go again. Good, bravo Adam.'

'I'll do what I want.'

'Fine, but don't complain about it. Drink your whiskey.'

'I will.'

'Because you take shelter in alcohol. You're a drunk Adam.'

'No Im not.'

'Look at you. Thats a full glass you just poured.'

'So what. I'm thirsty.'

'And you've gotten drunk every night this week.'

'Why do you care?'

'You've got work in the morning. You're going to be hungover.'

'No I wont. I'll take some Advil before.'

'Before what? Before you pass out?'

'Why do you even care? Why do you care what I do?'

'You're my friend.'

'I am not you're friend.'

'No?'

'Nope, I despise you.'

'But we're the same.'

'You're nothing like me.'

'I'm exactly like you.'

'Fuck off Adam.'

Ned's eyes have fallen out. Lasers!?!?!

I cannot fully believe that it is healthy for an individual such as myself to work and play and live and eat and drink in front of a small 11'' illuminated screen. My eyes are jelly. My feet are impatient and anxious. My stomach churns because I can only figure out certain specifics in short bursts. Here is a picture I came across today. Shaved chocolate from an old Polish man I met on the beach. He was lonely and completely interesting.

Tuesdays are known for their highs.

Drunk on svedka and cranberry y'all. Like a farm kid on tobacco, Im spitting mad. The dare was given, you can't take it back. Im done with the bullshit, Im better off without the harassment. Don't call me names, don't pat my shoulder and rub my ass. I may have believed the shit before, but today is Tuesday and Im smarter than I was on Monday. Merv told me so. So i spill coffee on my keyboard, so I have bad hair. The littlest of lies hurt far more than any negative trait I may possess.

It is Tuesday and Tuesdays have such highs and equally as exciting lows. This is known. Merv told me so. Although I suspect he was probably just hitting his low at that point. I love drama. Call me a faggot, but please try harder. I know you can do better.

When something exciting happens or an event takes place that could influence the near future, I would like to think my good friends would be around to help me celebrate. Nope, social security and extracurriculars call their name.

didn't you read what I wrote? I've been faking it all along. Settle down and don't get ahead of yourself. thank you.

The last time I attended the Monday night mecca that is 'Rehab' was my first weekend in Chicago. That was August 2009. It was memorable. Lots of PBR, new friends, multiple sets of tortoise shell glasses, and deep V's were abundant. It was still held at Evil Olive (get it? how clever) and I was with my good friend JK. Beers were just $1 and oh, I got a hj on the dance floor. Thats right. It was discrete, but definitely skin on skin. I believe Rick Astley was playing. Im not proud of it, but I was a bit tipsy and the girl had a blonde rats nest for a hairdo with lots of ink covering her arms. Don't worry, I didn't allow it to get messy. Just you know, one more thing to cross off my bucket list.

Well guess what? Im drunk, it's 2 in the morning, and I just left my second trip to 'Rehab'. Thanks Jeana for taking me out and showing me a good time. It's held at Debonair now and PBR was bumped up from 1 to $2. Other than that, the music still sucks, it's still crowded and kids with too many accessories are abundant. Sticking together, insecure and what not, clinging to their shared vodka sodas. Underage girls! You are all wearing the same black leather jacket! All five of you! Oh man, did that boy just look at you? giggle giggle har har.

Things experienced tonight with Mean Jean:

1. A kid with an A symmetrical haircut recognizes a girl he knows.

'Oh my God, how are you?' He says with such enthusiasm.

'I just got a boob job!' She is smiling ear to ear.

Lots of hugging and touching and groping and hilarity ensues.

2. A little person jumping and dodging and cutting through the crowd.

AND? He was dressed as a fucking Oompa Loompa. What? yes. I will laugh at you

and I will point at you and I will draw attention to you because you dressed as a fucking Oompa Loompa.

3. A girl I would have found attractive if she weighed half as much as she did. Or I would might have found her attractive if she had a good personality or didn't wear clothes that were busting at the seams.

4. The guy with the mohawk dancing on the table next to us. I'm guessing the table was sturdy cuz you looked like Adam Richman with a Chicago flag tattoo gracing your left arm. Man v Food v Gravity.

Regardless, Jeana and I had fun. Fist pumps and all that crap. No 8th grade sexual acts were encountered this time around. I had new jeans on anyways (super tight, would have hurt). The slutty chick from my first trip will always be in my thoughts. Even though I saw her making out with another guy on the way out. Heart crushed.

Never going to give you up.

Never going to let you down my ass.

security deposit

I approach the car and wait for the old man to part the window. Through the glass I meet his eyes. They are wet and overcrowded, more so than usual. He motions towards the passenger side and I make my way around. Gone is the costly flatbed he used to meet me in. A reluctant Toyota has taken it’s place. It carries the old Mexican and his problems around. The sedan sags and it’s body is heavily salted from the Chicago winter. Im uneasy as I open the door. I wonder if he has my money. To be kind I ask him his state.

Not so good he tells me. ‘Things are just fucking crazy lately.’

His accent is thick and his breath makes my eyes water. A very distinct filet o fish. I’m uncomfortable. The stench and the situation. Both are making me uneasy. This is too informal. Usually the check is slipped through the window. I was careful when I shut the door. It is left slightly ajar for quick escape. It is left slightly ajar for fresh air.

He tells me the economy has really hurt him. He tells me his properties are fucked, that he had to sell his truck. Nobody is renting he says. Twenty five years he’s worked for himself. Now he is forced to go find work. It’s not so bad he says, mostly just physical labor. The old mexican asks what will happen if his body can’t keep up.

I want to tell him it’s his own damn fault. He could have listened to the warnings and planned accordingly. I don’t care if his body fails him. If his rickety ass keels over so be it. Instead I bite my tongue and I stare jealously at a couple crossing the street. They’re young and hip and beautiful. The two break pace to beat the light.

The economy has effected everyone, including myself I explain. ‘Thats why I’m being persistent.’

‘But what I owe you is fucking nothing compared to what I owe them.’

‘I understand this.’

‘You know how much I owe a month to these fucking guys? Twenty five thousand dollars.’

‘I mean, that’s horrible and everything.’

‘Five years ago, five years ago I was fine. I had money in the bank. Making payments. Everything was great. But man, man I would have never thought.’

‘You should have never spent the money. It’s been six months since I moved out and I’ve been plenty patient. Was I not a good tenant?’

‘You were and you’re a good kid. Thats why I feel terrible.’

Fast food wrappers and soda cans riddle the floorboards. The interior is cleaner than the exterior, but it's a tight race. It’s cluttered from back to front. Trash fills every available crevice.

Commercial or residential, it doesn’t matter. Nobody is renting anything he says. He tells me him and his wife will be out on the street soon. That the economy has forced him to do some terrible things.

I place my hand on the door and wonder what he means. Terrible things? I bet he killed someone. At the least he knifed some poor bastard. Should I leave now? Just get out of the car and forget the money. At what speed can I still exit the vehicle safely? I don’t have health insurance. Tuck and roll is always an option. I really don’t want to tear this coat though.

‘Listen, Im going to write you this check for 200. It’s not the full amount. I know I owe you more, but believe me when I say I cant pay you everything. Maybe six months. I don’t know. I got all these people. All these people calling me. Twenty fucking years I’ve owned my house and now it’s being foreclosed on. Twenty fucking years. I owe money everywhere. My phone rings and its someone looking for money. Believe me when I say I lay in bed thinking about this. Awake all fucking night, thinking about what happened, what went wrong. I’m a good guy. I’m honest. I don’t fucking cheat nobody, but now I have no choice. Maybe six months, maybe summer comes around, you give me a call and see how things are. God I hope they are better. Here, here’s a check for 200 dollars. I’m sorry my friend. I’ve dated it for the nineteenth. Now thats one, two, three, three weeks from tomorrow. I’m sorry. What you do is you call me up in the morning. The morning of the nineteenth and you say, ‘Candido, can I cash the check?’ Then I will deposit 200 dollars into my account that afternoon. Then what you do is go to the bank. Make sure it’s my bank and withdraw it for cash. It has to be the morning after. Otherwise I don’t if the money will be there. I got checks all over the place. If you wait longer, who knows? It might be gone. I left your name blank because I forget how to spell your last name. I’m sorry.’

People do not return phone calls or long almost lost friends fail to answer their phones. Which side do you place fault on? Calls weren't made and emails weren't sent by both opposing forces. Do not say the friendship still exists because it cannot still exist. Calendars are flipped and people grow apart and people change their interests and people change their likes and dislikes. Two months or two years, personalities continue to evolve or corruption occurs. It is inevitable. Redundancy tends to poison a man who stays the same. Onlookers will label the person normal or boring or lazy. Therefore in fear of being labeled a negative drain on the community, I will or you will force change. I am not the same person I was last year or five years ago. I dont care if this is a bad or good thing. If I hate the person I am currently impersonating, I wont revert to past embodiments. Instead i will continue to change until I've changed into a person I and you can be comfortable with. You do not know me. You have only familiarized yourself with previous installments of me. So don't say Im not the person I used to be. No shit, I am aware of this.

I visited my mother's house in rural wisconsin today. The white three story on Racine Street is where I spent my formative years. Much remains the same. The hardwood floors are still cold and the roof continues to a bleed a vibrant red. There's still a strong draft that runs throughout. It makes winter months harsh and hot summer days manageable.

Since I made the exit, three actors have left voluntarily and one was forced out. Kid got killed off during sweeps. His contract was up for negotiation. This leaves one permanent contributor.

The bathroom was remodeled two winters ago, but still embodies the original character of the 1911 completion. A restored low-tank toilet is tucked away in the corner and a bear claw tub sits opposite. An off white vanity permanently caked in Colgate was lost in the transition. Still present is a half empty bottle of oil-free acne face wash. The piss colored Neutrogena has maintained it's position for three damn years, sitting on a shelf above the hot and cold water handles. Left behind by a girl from Texas, who at one time I thought I could love. The bathroom on the third floor was completely gutted, yet this bottle holds strong. It's funny how things remain despite change.

label it a day already.

its a hole in my chest. a cavity empty and blank. its a hole in my chest and my stomach. its my whole goddamn torso. a vacant lot telling me to go fuck myself. A monster eating away, creating a crevice that knows no limits. the flood lights are on and the sirens are going strong. its a warning, listen intently and please take precautions. build up one’s control before you lose it. its a hole in my chest and my stomach and my heart. It’s a hole in my goddamn heart. It whispers discouraging whispers and stomps its feet when it walks. Heavy footed, it’ll keep moving from morning to night but never goes anywhere. Its a fucking badger with claws. Claws that are sharper than sharp. Sharp like broken glass. But stronger than glass. Like steel. A badger with claws that are very sharp and stronger than glass. Its a window that is now broken. It was once a beautiful, wall to wall bay window that was shattered by a brick. The brick lays on the hardwood floor, amid shards of broken badger claws with a note attached telling me to go fuck myself. Wait, its not a beautiful bay window, but a beautiful mansion up on the hill. A beautiful mansion up on the hill that was swiftly demolished, it’s occupants now living in a small tent beside it. Cold, wet, desperate. Its a hole in my goddamn heart. Wide yellow eyes stare into my own. Its a wolf, like the Nothing. and im Atreyu. Milky yellow eyes penetrates everything i’ve built up. Sees right through the transparent defenses. Today is empty and blank, a perfect day for a bananafish. Today is cold and barren. Chicago is futile. Its a hole in my chest and my stomach and my heart and my life. Its been eating away for seven years and doesn’t show any signs of fatigue. Its appetite is unbelievable. It’s grown to an unbelievable size. Behind the desk and next to boxes of old rollingstones and boy’s life. It’s gotten so big, too large and can’t stay there no more. It cries louder than loud. The black bandana tied around it’s mouth does nothing to muffle the obscenities. It hates me. One massive, colossal fucking hole. It’s AT&T destroying the concrete at Milwaukee and Western. Digging up wires and cutting eight lanes down to four. Its a seven year pledge drive on NPR. Its annoying and all encompassing. It’s Terry Gross 24/7 and my car radio wont turn off. The knobs are broken and the cd player’s busted. Its a hole in my goddamn heart.

cool the jets, family is important. friends are too. friends are important but tend to fade like black jeans. family is like white jeans, they dont fade, just wear thin. they stay intact unless some jackass decides to slice through the fabric and make then shorts. but summer only lasts so long. June, July, August, perhaps there's an indian summer. but you’ll need pants again, winter can be fucking rough. And unlike friends, you cant go out and buy new family.

sorry, im wrong. they’re not like jeans.

call it what you will. this energy drink tastes like piss. it makes me want to invent something. it makes me want to be calm and collected and piss in a jar. i could bottle it up. i could sell it for 89 cents. i could sell more than a million, then I could be a millionaire. drink it before pilates i'd say. then you will power through the power 100. Its almost nine and i say you must be awake and alert so you drink this and you can stay awake and you can laugh with the kids and at them. Drink this and fall asleep and dream that you are really awake.

flip flip breathe push flip

She was kind of a ghost to the people of rural Kentucky. Just showing up one day, skin all leather and mouth all gums.

‘She worked the grill at Don’s. Didn’t never talk very much, her head always down,‘ said one wiry old timer. ‘I can’t imagine what man would be desperate enough to bed her, but sure enough. She got the baby growing inside of her.’

The old crow worked through the pregnancy. Don felt bad and wanted to give her some time off, but the woman was a fast cook, flipping and what not. He didn't have a choice. The belly grew quick and large.

‘She was rubbing up against the grill, burning her stomach every shift, making the food taste funny.’

So Don fashioned a makeshift guard out of an old trash can lid and duct tape.

Problem solved.

It was during a dinner shift halfway through the second trimester that Don remembers a funny look on his cook’s face.

‘I just assumed it was gas. Her hand was always in the sauerkraut bucket. She used to eat that shit by the handful.‘ The old lady complained of diarrhea. She used the toilet and came back five minutes later. Don taped her trash lid back on real tight and the two pushed through the dinner rush.

At the end of the night Don paid the women cash, just like he always had. ‘She said something on her way out, but I keep my headphones on when I mop. I just hollered that I’d see her tomorrow.’

It wasn’t until Don was locking up that he heard the baby cry. In the bathroom, hidden behind the toilet and taped up like a hitman’s 9mm was the newborn. Scribbled across the belly in black magic marker, ‘sorry, it wouldn’t flush.’

time to make the donuts. part 1

I run on Dunkin. Since I've lived in the city, I've made it a point to visit the same Dunkin Donut several times a week. They say its a franchise, but I like to think the little shop on Western Avenue is unique. A donut boutique. A one stop shop for all caffeinated needs. The small, but energetic Indian family who own and operate, brews great coffee with precision and their ice cream cones are always shaped without flaws (same space also houses a Baskin Robbins in which im currently having a feud with the girl who scoops the mint chocolate chip. still, my opinion does not diminish her ability to scoop perfectly round balls of ice cream).

Good morning, what would you like?

Hello. Medium coffee, cream and two scoops.

(if you just say sugar, they will automatically give you 3 tablespoons. no thank you, im sweet enough as it it.)

Anything else?

Nope, just coffee (I do think it over though. Contemplating. Apple fritter. French Crueler.)

That's $1.67.

Here you go, have a good one.

You too. NEXT!?

Its entirely too formal. Everyday I walk in thinking they will remember me, this will be the day they will recite my order as I approach the counter or gasp. gasp. have it ready for me when I walk through the advertisement laden windows. they see the same boy, with the same face, the same hair, the same black coat, the same scarf, the same height, the weight fluctuates, but still. Come on. why not. never, not once.

I'm working on one girl though. She's there most AM shifts. She still employs the great costumer service traits as the small energetic Indian family, but has shown me a little extra. She smiles and has an attitude, but it's the 'yeah, im being a bitch, but just to be funny' kind of attitude.

One day I could have sworn she said, 'here comes a two scoop,' as I approached the counter. I think I misheard. I'll keep you updated. I need some compassion in my life. Please, black girl with the nice braids, remember me.

DUNKIN GO'NUTS YO. I GO NUTS FOR DUNKIN DO'NUTS.

doctor said I have a 'brain cloud'. its inoperable.

my chest shakes, my whole body shakes. my lips quiver and i feel it throughout. i fucking hate you.

Please remember not to repeat disasters and please do not do the same thing five times and please remember how you felt and do not allow the sugar to overtake the sour.

somewhat entirely eerie

This song came into my life by two different people, completely unrelated and uninfluenced by each other, a matter of seconds apart. I had to check it out. Thanks for thinking of me.

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros: Home

At one point I think I might have been in this band or at least contributed to a band of similar composition. Oh, an ode to the days of my youth. Something I strived for but always came up short. I always faked that shit anyways. I never knew what i really wanted, so I built others up around me. Believe what I believe. 'But you better have fun before I tear you down.'

Now this song doesn't necessarily address anything in particular. The messenger was just someone from a different part of my life. Im the same, Im different. Its a good song and Im interested in finding more out about this band.

the little doggy that could.

It was 11 last night as we sat around watching tv. The date came up.

'It's the 13th.'

'Hmmmm.......'

'What?'

'When did we bring Merv home again?'

'September'

'What was the date?'

'I think the 13th.'

'He was 9 months.'

'So that means it's his birthday?

'One year old.'

' 7 in dog years.'

'yep'

'Quick, fashion some sort of birthday cake.'

'I know just the thing.'

'Yeah, use some salami.'

'Put some cheese curds on there.'

'Good idea Kari.'

'Don't use peanut butter.'

'Why not?'

'Peanut butter and salami and cheese?'

'But dogs love peanut butter.'

'Not Merv. Remember what happened last time?'

'Oh yeah. The rug still smells.'

'Besides, the combination is disgusting.'

'Here's some macaroni. it was left on the stove.'

'Who's is it?'

'I dont know. I said I found it on the stove.'

'...........'

'Fuck it, put it on.'

He got excited and pissed the floor. He got embarrassed and hid where we couldn't see him. He was a little hesitant. We cheered him on. He ate his salami and cheese cake.

'Happy Birthday Merv!'

'Yay Merv!'

'You said we brought him home in September right?'

'Yeah'

'But it's January.'

'So?'

'It's January.'

'Shit.'

'Yep.'

'So that means...'

'Uh huh.'

'13 months?'

'..........'

'Happy belated Birthday Merv!'