call it a day already (written last year drunk and disorderly while on the seven year anniversary of my little brother's death. it's 8 years today.)

its a hole in my chest. a cavity empty and blank. its a hole in my chest and my stomach. its my whole goddamn torso. a vacant lot telling me to go fuck myself. A monster eating away, creating a crevice that knows no limits. the flood lights are on and the sirens are going strong. its a warning, listen intently and please take precautions. build up ones control before you lose it. its a hole in my chest and my stomach and my heart. Its a hole in my goddamn heart. its whispers discouraging whispers and it stomps its feet when it walks. heavy footed, itll keep moving from morning to night but never goes anywhere. its a fucking badger with claws. claws that are sharper than sharp. sharp like broken glass. but stronger than glass. like steel. a badger with claws that are very sharp and stronger than glass. its a window that is now broken. once a beautiful wall to wall bay window, its been shattered by a brick. now the brick lays on the hardwood floor, amid shards of broken badger claws with a note attached telling me to go fuck myself. wait, no. its not a beautiful bay window, but a beautiful mansion up on the hill. a beautiful mansion up on the hill that was swiftly demolished, it’s occupants now living in a small tent beside it. cold, wet, desperate. Its a hole in my goddamn heart. wide and yellow eyes stare into my own. its a wolf, like the nothing and im atreyu. milky yellow eyes penetrating everything i’ve built and sees right through the transparent defenses. today is empty and blank, a perfect day for a bananafish. today is cold and bare. chicago is futile. chicagos a hole in my chest and in my stomach and in my heart and in my life. its been eating away for seven years and doesn’t show any signs of fatigue. its appetite is unbelievable and its grown to an unbelievable size. behind the desk and next to boxes of old rollingstones and boys life. it’s gotten so big, too fucking large and cant stay there no more. it cries louder than loud. the black bandana tied around it’s mouth, it does nothing to muffle the obscenities. it hates me. its one massive, colossal fucking hole. its AT&T destroying the concrete at milwaukee and western. its the intersection of dug up wires, cutting eight lanes down to four. its a seven year pledge drive on national public radio. its annoying and all encompassing. its goddamn terry gross babbling 24/7 and my car radio just wont turn off because the knobs are broken and the cd players busted. its a hole in my goddamn heart.

cool the jets, family is important. friends are too. friends are important but tend to fade like black jeans. family is like white jeans, they dont fade, just wear thin. they stay intact unless some jackass decides to slice through the fabric and make then shorts. but summer only lasts so long. june, july, august. perhaps theres an indian summer. but you’ll need pants again, sooner than later and winter can be fucking rough. and unlike friends, you cant go out and buy new family.

sorry, im wrong. they’re not like jeans.